Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tears Still Coming...

Tonight I did my usual routine and headed off to bed....

Then guess what....yep I just had to have a dream and of course it was about mom, so I wake up in tears. It is now 2 am and I still have tears flowing down. WHY can't she be here? WHY did she have to leave me? WHY was she given that UGLY word called cancer? WHY? WHY? WHY? I mean really how selfish do I sound right now? She is so much better off than me right now WHY can't I just accept that?

I was tough through the visitation. I was tough for my sister as she sat in the hospital while the services were going on. I was tough through the funeral services. I was tough for my brother. Is it time that I just sit here and break down? I have always been the comforter in my family, trying to always make things good between everyone. Always the middle woman trying to keep everyone happy. And now I have lost control. How do I continue to keep everyone happy? Listen at me rambling....I mean for real Andi get it together!

Notice all the I's above. Like I could honestly do anything or go through anything of this magnitude if I did not have God with me? I could not imagine doing all this on my own! I would imagine there will be more days like this and I will just have to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle. He knew how I would handle this before I did, so I'm pretty sure I'm in awesome hands!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Sorry for the rant but it feels nice to get it off my chest!


Keri said...

Let it out Andi. And yes, God is with you and so are all of your friends. I don't know what you are feeling, but we are here for you. You don't have to be tough for us.
Praying for you continually.

Jenna said...

Words can't express my sympathy for you. I know how special your mom is and how much your relationship with her meant to you. Like Keri said...we are here for you and you don't have to be strong around us. We are praying for you!

Flo said...

Let those emotions flow - That's the healing process. We love you!

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oNe girl's joUrneY said...

So I'm doing a random internet surf/blog search tonight and I come across yours, and your most recent post...I lost my dad to cancer-glioblastoma-6 months ago today. Everyone handles things differently and each of us are handed our own trials to go through. It's so hard to see someone go through something like cancer, and strange how it seems that they are stronger than we. For what it's worth, I just wanted to post a comment here-maybe for my own gain, but to share nonetheless. Cry. Let it out. It will come in waves. Write down the special moments that will come into your life, and the memories, thoughts, etc that come to your mind, because they will disappear. It was amazing to me how much I felt lifted up in the Spirit after my dad passed; like he wasn't gone at all. Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and death is just a part of that plan. He lives, and we will live again as well. My heart goes out to you and yours, and your beautiful mother.

Narrator said...

Jeremiah 24:6-7 and HUGS!

annaversary said...


Maryse said...

Just came across your blog randomly.

I am an 18 year old young women with an amazing mother who is currently fighting an uncurable Cancer. I wanted to express my deepest sympathy to you and your family. I wanted to encourage you to keep your trust in the Lord. He will strengthen you, and he sees the "big picture" in life. Even though we may not understand his plan he will work good things from this.

Take comfort that one day we not only get to be in communion with our Savior and God but one day you will see your mother again in spirit. Whatever that may be, but take comfort in that.

Many Blessings and Prayer, Maryse Johnson.

Psalm 63:8 "I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely."

Ralph Couey said...

For a true disciple, death does not exist. Whether we live in this life, or in heaven with Him, we are ever alive.

When I lost my mother to cancer in 1982, I felt torn. I felt her loss deeply, but at the same time knowing how much she suffered in those last few months, I knew to wish her continued earthly existence was the height of selfishness.

For several months after that event, I prayed constantly, pleading for understanding. That moment of clarity didn't come to me until seven years ago when my heart cath went bad and I..."went away"... for a time. It was an intensely spiritual experience which I am still processing to this day. But one thing that came through was that this thing we mortals call "death" is in some situations a healing. From that experience I came to know that I shouldn't grieve or feel angry, but rather be joyful that she was in Heaven, safe from pain and sadness.

Since your loss is so recent, this may be thin comfort to you. But grief is a journey, a difficult path strewn with rocks and potholes. But at the end of that journey lies the healing of your spirit; and the wonderful peace of God's love.

I will pray for you.

Leyan said...

Hi there, although I don't know you, I totally feel my empathy for you. I lost my beloved Grandpa last week and unfortunately I go to school in New York and couldn't make it back home to San Francisco to see him. I feel so guilty aside from the grief of losing him. At least you were there with her when she was leaving. Everyone was telling me "he was in pain and he was suffering a lot." Although it didn't make me feel better, I believe he is in a better place now, and I believe your Mom is in a better place now too. I know it's hard and I feel you, but please be strong and I am sure your Mom is proud of you as her daughter. Love and hug.

Y. said...

I wish I could have a faith or believe in something to make me feel better keep believing in your god because that makes us stronger having an outter power :)

Colleen Courtney said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You seem like such a strong woman, I admire you.

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i-dream said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, don' feel selfish. You have every right to miss your mom. But just remember, even though you cannot see her, she will always be with you! I believe that one day you and your Mom will meet again, even though that day probably won't be for a long time, being without her isn't forever. Don't be afraid to cry or to rant. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

lyndz said...

Hey i just read part of your blog and i know exactly how you feel i lost may grandaddy about a year ago and yea its hard but take it make it positive tell others about her and use your story for the glory of God! If there is anything i can do for you other than pray please let me know! but know you are in my prayers even though i dont know you... Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you; dont worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own - matthew 6:33-34

GothicScarlet said...

No worries dear... its good to let it off your chest!
And yes, God won't give you this challenge if he didn't know it will make you a stronger person.

On a happier note, I just stumbled upon your blog, and I really really love it!

B.J. said...

Hi Andi. I just happened to wander onto your Blog as I was moving from one to the next and couldn't stop reading. As others have said, there really are no words that will ease your feelings right now, but as someone who lost their mom under similar circumstances not long ago, I can relate. Plans were being made for that Thanksgiving dinner at Mom's. Then the call came that she had Leukemia. Just out of the blue ... and she passed away Feb 22 the following year. I miss her terribly to this day but realize that life goes on. But that doesn't take away all the wonderful memories I have of times gone by. To this day, I'll often wake up on a Saturday morning and say to myself "I need to give Mom a call" (a weekly thing back then), only to realize that I can't do that. Well, I can .... I just don't need the phone. We still talk often, in my mind and dreams. God speed my friend.

chumly said...

Rant on. Then enjoy the good memories that flow out and the good times you had with her.

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Lisa Martin, MAOM, BFRP said...

I couldn't read past your first three sentences before I started to cry.

Somethings in life are not for our understanding - you can call that unfair. And sometimes God wants to see how much we can endure before we call on him with faith.

My heart is broken too over something that seems very unfair.

Hang in there honey and know that the pain goes away slowly with some influxes sometimes - get Rescue Remedy by Bach Flowers - gets me through with prayer every time :)

And even though you miss her and are suffering - we are all in this together.

See my blog for Bach Flower helps.

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Caylib. said...

You shouldn't have to be tough all the time...You know, you need a good cry.

Cancer is an ugly word.

I hope you and your family make it through that.

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Dianne said...

Hi. I came across your blog tonight. I'm so very sorry for the loss you've suffered. It's a hard thing to lose a parent. I want to tell you about a book I read called "A New Kind of Normal" by Carol Kent. If you feel up to checking it out, it might help with the grieving. It's about a woman who is living in circumstances that she never even thought possible and how God is helping her to learn to live with hope again. It's been a help to me. I have a long way to go, but I can feel myself changing as I work through it. I've suffered a different kind of loss than yours but just as life changing. Maybe you aren't ready to even try yet, but jot down the title and hang on to it for later. It might help a little. I hope it will. God bless you and your family.

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Scratch the hostile fay said...

There is no shame in grieving.


I lost my mom when I was 12 (asthma and related lung troubles), so I feel for you.


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Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog by hitting the "next blog" button at the top.
I don't know what to say except I am sorry that you had to lose your mom at such a young age. My mom has cancer and it will never go away. I feel so ill-equipped to deal with this. I am resentful of all the people out there that have healthy parents. I am angry that my mom was diagnosed 3 months after she retired.

Life is not fair I guess.

Anyway, I know it has been a few months for you now since she passed away but I am guessing it is not any easier.

Just letting you know I am thinking about you.


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