Sunday, August 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Mom....

My heart is heavy today...

Tears are flowing...

Today is my moms birthday...

I miss her sooooo much...

It seems like years have passed, but in reality it has only been 7 1/2 months. She has been on my mind alot lately. I need her here, but she can't be. She was my rock and the one I went to when I needed something. When work was going rough she talked me through it.....where is she? When life was changing she supported me....where is she? When I needed a good laugh she was funny...where is she?

I know there will be lots of days like this. I know there will be alot more tears shed. I know I am gonna have to keep my head up. I know she is here with me in spirit. I know she is watching over me. But it does not make me hurt any less. I feel like a big baby crying for her mommy....that's exactly what I am doing, but most moms would come running and mine can't.

To my brother and sister I love y'all and when yall visit her grave site be sure and tell her how much I love her, and miss her. Also that I wish I could be there and I wish her a very Happy Birthday!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day.....Bitter Sweet

A day of honor, love and adornment for mother's all over the world. This year was a little different for me. Sure I am very loved, and adorned by my sweet boys and husband, and I know I am very blessed to have that. But I was not able to express all of those feelings to my mom.

Today was a day of mixed emotions. One minute I was fine and the next the tears were rolling. I try to remind myself of all the great times we shared together. Every morning of Mother's Day I would either wake up and tell my mom Happy Mother's Day or I would call her and tell her. This morning was no different....well that's what I was thinking until I fully woke up from my good night sleep. Then reality set in and I remembered today I could not do what I had done for the last 30 years of my life. Wow....I miss her so much!

Although it has only been 4 months since my mom passed away it feels like years. Years since I have been able to see her, tell her I love her, and just to say hi how are you. So I just close my eyes, tears rolling and talk to her cause I know she can hear me.

Dear Mom,

You made me the person I am today. The mom I am today is because of you. It is you who keeps me going day to day. I miss being able to call you for help, I miss hearing your sweet voice, and most of all I miss seeing you. But I know one day I will see you again because our Savior Jesus was in your heart and for that I am grateful! I will love you always!

Your Loving Daughter

I know she is having the best Mother's Day ever this year, but it does not make me miss her any less. I am blessed to have had her in my life for the time I did.

You were my mother and my friend,
Which was unusual.
Somehow our characters still blend:
Your wisdom and my will.

I turned, and you were there for me;
I spoke, you understood.
I felt cared for, but also free;
You loved, and I was good.

I'm fortunate that I was born
To someone just like you;
I love you still. Though you are gone,
You live in what I do.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tears Still Coming...

Tonight I did my usual routine and headed off to bed....

Then guess what....yep I just had to have a dream and of course it was about mom, so I wake up in tears. It is now 2 am and I still have tears flowing down. WHY can't she be here? WHY did she have to leave me? WHY was she given that UGLY word called cancer? WHY? WHY? WHY? I mean really how selfish do I sound right now? She is so much better off than me right now WHY can't I just accept that?

I was tough through the visitation. I was tough for my sister as she sat in the hospital while the services were going on. I was tough through the funeral services. I was tough for my brother. Is it time that I just sit here and break down? I have always been the comforter in my family, trying to always make things good between everyone. Always the middle woman trying to keep everyone happy. And now I have lost control. How do I continue to keep everyone happy? Listen at me rambling....I mean for real Andi get it together!

Notice all the I's above. Like I could honestly do anything or go through anything of this magnitude if I did not have God with me? I could not imagine doing all this on my own! I would imagine there will be more days like this and I will just have to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle. He knew how I would handle this before I did, so I'm pretty sure I'm in awesome hands!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Sorry for the rant but it feels nice to get it off my chest!