Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tears Still Coming...

Tonight I did my usual routine and headed off to bed....

Then guess what....yep I just had to have a dream and of course it was about mom, so I wake up in tears. It is now 2 am and I still have tears flowing down. WHY can't she be here? WHY did she have to leave me? WHY was she given that UGLY word called cancer? WHY? WHY? WHY? I mean really how selfish do I sound right now? She is so much better off than me right now WHY can't I just accept that?

I was tough through the visitation. I was tough for my sister as she sat in the hospital while the services were going on. I was tough through the funeral services. I was tough for my brother. Is it time that I just sit here and break down? I have always been the comforter in my family, trying to always make things good between everyone. Always the middle woman trying to keep everyone happy. And now I have lost control. How do I continue to keep everyone happy? Listen at me rambling....I mean for real Andi get it together!

Notice all the I's above. Like I could honestly do anything or go through anything of this magnitude if I did not have God with me? I could not imagine doing all this on my own! I would imagine there will be more days like this and I will just have to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle. He knew how I would handle this before I did, so I'm pretty sure I'm in awesome hands!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Sorry for the rant but it feels nice to get it off my chest!